You Might Also Like
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
*skinny dips into black hole
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.