I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
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My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Oh my God.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.