Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
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call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Big Sex has us all fooled
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5