*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
You Might Also Like
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Happy Caturday!
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
What if the weather talks about us?
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.