Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
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The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Don’t forget to tip your server
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.