Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
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I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
me adding lol on a serious message