I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
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The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.