If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
You Might Also Like
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy