Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
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GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!