Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
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Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Breaking news:
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.