Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
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Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.