“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
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People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”