Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
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*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself