Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
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I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
describing stardew valley
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
“What movie?” 🤔