I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
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[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Scream sneezers need love too.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
quarantine day 3
ready to be harvested
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.