“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
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If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
my favorite genre of twitter
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”