I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
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Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Sunday
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir