Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
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Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click