Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
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It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )