Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
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This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.