Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
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Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
fixed it