I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
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ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?