I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
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My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?