Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
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I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
The French word for sex is croissant.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…