*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
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My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.