“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
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“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police