The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
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Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?