spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
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Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
My blood type is coffee.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.