Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
A small tragedy.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR