I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
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I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?