[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
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“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
accurate
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Seems kinda suspicious
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Things will get butter, keep churning
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
work smarter, not harder
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime