If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
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HOW DARE YOU
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her