To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
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Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened