I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
You Might Also Like
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore