An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
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[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
multitasking lunch
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.