Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
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Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
I created you as mosquito food.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
he looks great for his age
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.