I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
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I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Have kids, they said
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
live long and prosper!
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.