I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
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Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Unimpressed
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo