I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
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C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.