The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
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Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.