As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
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nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
had to make it
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger