Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
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I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Battery falling down a hole
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Omg 🤣
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.