me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
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[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.