[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
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I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain