*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
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I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Discuss
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One