CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
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“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.