My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
You Might Also Like
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.