If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
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*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
BRAKING NEWS!!
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try