Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
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Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.