My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
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[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once